A new dictionary is to be developed for members of the Church of the Unfallen Moon, who object to traditional volumes on the grounds that they use some words containing the letter F, which church followers believe to be extremely dangerous. According to UfM texts, words that contain the letter produce higher levels of 'malign fibrous energy' in the atmosphere, leading to increased frivolity in the vapid.

Scientists have discovered the true nature of reality - and it's taupe! Having first assured us that we ordinary folks needn't concern ourselves with the detail, Dr Neil Maccckie of the Royal Phenomenofactical Institute tried to explain the development in layman's terms:

"If you think of a kind-of spongy block of concrete cheese, then imagine it being sliced into an infinite number of perpendicular pieces from the inside. Now imagine these innumerable pieces floating off in every direction, but as they move forward in space, they move sideways in time, so that everywhere is somewhere, and nowhere is upside down. It's a little like that really, but without the foam."

Thinkers at the Institute are expected to use the discovery to further their campaign to prevent schoolteachers from hesitating before answering complicated questions from pupils about truth, consciousness and morality.

Women are to be prevented from entering bookshops as part of an upcoming scheme to further empower them. Instead, all towns in the UK will feature branches of the all-female 'Fabuloustorez!' chain, in which they will be encouraged to purchase 'chick-lit', relationship based self-help publications and glossy magazines in a female-focussed environment, with powerful spotlights and mirrors on every surface so that guests can view themselves at every imaginable angle without even having to visit a high street changing room. It is hoped that the new stores will allow the complex modern woman to get her 'fix' of empty-headed prose without the inconvenience of being surrounded by literature, politics, history, philosophy and science, which are naturally of no relevance whatever. The scheme replaces last year's controversial proposal for a country-wide system of 'Truth Booths' in which women would stand naked staring at the word "unfuckable" for 40 minutes a day.

Texts known as 'the forgotten gospels' believed to be hidden under the bed of an embarrassed Matthew who wrote them with a really bad hangover, suggest that Jesus had a birthmark on his left arm the shape of a birthmark-shaped potato. On questioning his mother as to the blemish, she spoke of a vague recollection of the infant being tossed across the stable by an amorous goat when she was asleep.

Recent historical research suggests that Chester "Chumps" Flagpole, the Earl of Bucketyshire and notorious nephew of George VI, was in fact a smug little tit-faced fuckbag who regularly liked to devour the roasted babies of poor families plucked at random from the phonebook.

Right up until 1940, it was considered perfectly acceptable for French men to masturbate openly in public places such as parks and cafes; the only area in which the act was forbidden was at church during a wedding (funerals were ok). Defecation was also considered a social activity; shit-parties would be held at which unusually shaped excretions were awarded with sexual favours.

Television's Ant n Dec live inside a 50ft 'Adidas Fraction' training shoe where they eat nothing but Haribo jelly candies, play twister and talk about their most favourite episodes of Friends (The One With The Nuclear Holocaust), according to reports. They have also been said to romp around a bouncy castle permanently erected in their back garden and sleep in Star Wars sleeping bags.

Locusts have an average IQ of 162 and can understand most computer programming languages, a recent study has shown. They enjoy the novels of Proust, but find Jane Austen a bit tedious.

Donald Sutherland paid a dwarf to follow him around for six months leading up to the filming of Don't Look Now.

The intention was to make him feel sufficiently unnerved, but he and the dwarf actually became friends, forming an acquaintance which led to the marriage of Sutherland's daughter Validity to an overweight bus driver and his sarcastic veterinarian sidekick.

Those chubby cheeks sported by Marlon Brando as Don Vito in the Godfather had to be specially prepared for each day's filming by an Argentinian prostitute who would salivate on pieces of cotton wool which had previously been soaked in Jack Daniels regurgitated by the hooker.

Mr Brando insisted that the padding be prepared in this fashion, and that all people present in the room at the time ingest at least 1 gram of cocaine and wear a cowboy hat on their left foot.