The coalition is considering the introduction of a fine to be issued to prostitutes and women who dress in a scantily clad fashion, in an attempt to pay for the administrative costs involved in the clear up and investigation that ensues when they are inevitably sexually assaulted and murdered. These incidents eat up vast sums of public money each year and many people simply don't see why the taxpayer should foot the bill. Government spin doctors are hoping the news will curb the current tide of negative press following controversy over the decision to exclude the children of drug addicts and the obese from all schools.

A survey in a recent lads mag revealed some shocking results. According to the poll, 98% of readers expressed concern at how poorly most women behave while being raped. One contributor commented:

"I mean it's not as though they need to be fucking porn stars, most of them don't even have the courtesy to expose their tits for you to come on."

Women's groups refute the result, citing earlier research that suggests many young women are actually becoming far more co-operative during sexual assault and harassment.

A top glossy is yet again denying reports of airbrushing pictures of women. The model and cover star Patsine Lampcans complained that the work done to a photograph she had posed for has actually made her look as though she has seventeen nipples and an extremely short torso. To prove the allegations, Ms Lampcans posed for a rival mag in the nude in the hope that this would clear the rumours up once and for all. However, what she hadn't bargained on was the fact that the rival publication would also then use a little heavy handed photoshopping technique too. In the new images, the model, who also works part-time as a consultant ironmonger, appears completely hairless, eyeless and is generally reminiscent of an enormous pair of tits with a hole in the middle.

A genetic structure has been discovered that scientists have dubbed the Glamour Gene. It appears that those having the gene induce an intense feeling of jealousy in all who meet them. Expectant parents are jostling to take part in a trial scheme to inject the gene into their unborn children in the hope that they too will grow up to be systematically envied. As one mother-to-be, and an academic involved in the research put it: "Who needs a university education or cosmetic surgery when you've got the natural ability to prompt feelings of jealousy. It's probably the single most important quality a person in today's world can have. I've dreamed since I was a little girl about having a daughter I would one day feel a sickening and overwhelming envy over and that day has now come".

A certain cosmetics brand is offering a select few lucky Divastyle! Magazine readers the chance to purchase their latest development in skincare for a mere £750 pounds per 100ml bottle. The formula combines the natural tightening properties of hydrochloric acid, the freshening properties of barbed wire and the sexy properties of fermented spinach into one fabulously coherent whole for the first time. Women have reportedly been poking one another's eyes out in the hope that their rivals will fail to spot the much coveted coupons on account of being blinded either temporarily or indeed permanently.

A recent study has shown that 67% of women aged 18-33 admit under duress the desire that the beauty of their kneecaps cause a continued sickening feeling of overwhelming envy in everyone else on earth. Sound alarming? Maybe, but it's great news for the host of aesthetic joint enhancement start-ups hoping for a boost in the market. Procedures on offer include elbow incineration, eyelid flagellation and the increasingly popular shoulder scrape, so those of you with even a single intact memory of self-respect can get down to your local practitioner and demand they set about flaying the fuck out of you without delay!

A leading tabloid newspaper is reportedly negotiating a new Page 3 spread that will feature women wearing burqas. The garments will be traditional in every way except for one key feature, the chest area being exposed of course. Newspaper editors have responded to criticism by claiming the campaign will be empowering to Muslim women, and will comprise a celebration of every woman's right to be paid for getting her tits out.

TV sources indicate that a new reality show to replace Big Brother is currently under development. The show, intended to take reality TV to the next level, is a closely guarded secret at the moment, but a few tidbits of info have already leaked out. The format is being described as 'conflict exploratory', and is believed to comprise two contestants locked in a room with a convicted multiple rapist armed with a bread knife and coked up to the eyeballs. The contestants will be given the chance to compete for the public vote by inserting random household objects into their own bodies (through an orifice of their choice). Winning the public vote will allow contestants five minute consultations with an emergency doctor during which they may receive a limited range of medical treatments to alleviate their suffering by a small margin. A celebrity edition is of course planned.

Looks like Kellyie Yardstick's certainly making a bid to become the nation's next WAG. The buxom ex-toothpick compiler was recently spotted coming out of a nightclub with several top footballers hanging out of her. And rumour has it she's set her sights on one Mr Franck Slakbags, Scarborough Anorexic's latest signing all the way from Luxembourg and the man with the legs that might just win the ill-fated club next week's karaoke and kick-fest championship at Dunoon harbour.

The latest revelation of shocking sexualised products for children indicates that several leading high street clothing and toy stores have up until now thought nothing of stocking some pretty appalling items. One shop was found to have been selling Hannah Montana 'peephole' tops designed to fit girls as young as 7, gimp masks for 8-10 year old boys with images of Postman Pat in S&M gear printed on them, and 'In the Night Garden' themed pole dancing kits for toddlers. The news comes after education ministers unveiled plans to replace English classes in schools with waxing and blow job techniques for girls, and advanced moisturisation and hair product identification for boys. Last year's decision to remove Science subjects from the curriculum in favour of lessons on being photographed, although controversial at the time, has subsequently been met with almost universal approval.