With research showing that today's TV ads contain the highest levels of smugness since records began, the pressure on young women just continues to mount. A number of clinics are now specialising in cosmetic procedures designed to create a permanent expression of self-satisfied contentment, with studies showing that both sexes are instinctively drawn to complacent, self-indulgent titprick types when choosing a sexual partner. A poll of senior managers across the business sector also found that smug cunts tend to earn approx 89% more than their less unpleasant contemporaries. And parents aren't hanging back on this one either, with a newly growing market for pre-natal supplements that produce a particularly smug atmosphere in the womb by pumping it full of honey and gold.

A leading soft drink brand is refusing to withdraw a series of TV ads in which a young girl is told that unless she has sex with a man her parents will be killed. The campaign has been the subject of much debate, and the company has maintained throughout that the adverts do not constitute the advocating of aggressive sexual behaviour as the girl's parents were not in fact going to be killed, and that this was just an elaborate and somewhat humorous ruse on the part of the gentleman concerned. I guess some people just can't see the light-hearted side of rape.

So it all seems to be about Mandra Backtoy's new clothing line at the moment. The selection, which was unveiled at the fantastic Teabag Holder and Exemplary Fashion Advancement Fayre last week promises something unique and unprecedented to the modern woman. That's right, these bespoke outfits are virtually guaranteed to make men want to both fuck and marry you, and of course everything in between. Sound too good to be true? It probably fucking is.

Fat women cause cancer in those who look at them, a new study has claimed. Researchers have found that overweight women can be carcinogenic when glanced at by anyone within a 4.5 mile radius, 6 miles on a clear day. The controversial study also includes claims that hairy women who refuse to wax or shave their legs tend to have children who later grow up to become extremely unpleasant to be around, and that women having smaller breast sizes encourage undue facetiousness in passers by. The research was commissioned by Nads magazine, who describe it as entirely the product of rigorous scientific analysis, despite the fact that one of the contributors has been described as a disgraced former technical enhancement adviser for a leading genital cosmetics and penile rights firm.

The latest installment in the ongoing feud between pop star Madam Jaspro and actress/ teacosy Stephanie Smallchops arrived today in the form of a rather colourful email leaked online in which Smallchops seems to call Ms Jaspro a 'skanky bitch face', before heavily implying that she also enjoys partaking in certain frowned upon sexual acts. The message follows reports that the singer had thrown a bottle of patented anti-ugliness skin and upper torso rejuvenatory serum at the other one during a recent benefit reception for sufferers of paranoid psoriasis.

The Daily Mail has reported in horror the alleged news that the BBC is now considering a change to their recruitment policy, such that they will no longer be able to discriminate on the grounds of idiocy, aptitude or competence when engaging new staff.

The paper responded to queries as to the apparent lack of evidence for this policy by publishing a questionable photograph of Jonathan Ross wearing a tiara made from the confiscated teeth of homeless farmers, while laughing at a group of middle class white schoolchildren who'd apparently been refused entry to a pop concert organised by the broadcaster on the basis that they were neither black, Muslim nor infected with HIV.

The Mail's disgust at the alleged revelation seems doubly baffling since they themselves appear to have refused to discriminate on the grounds of skill, insight or even literacy in their editorial staff for some years but there you go.

Controversial plans have been unveiled that would see the creation of a national database to hold the breast sizes of all women in the country. The system will be used to ensure that anyone measuring smaller than a size D cup will automatically be placed on the waiting list for breast augmentation surgery. Ministers have responded to criticisms with claims that the new system will drastically reduce administration costs currently associated with these procedures.

Women are entitled to buy numerous pairs of shoes as well as to be shagged by men, according to a recent think tank. The controversial assertion is the result of a lengthy program of discussion among prominent women in the public sphere, and is expected to further bolster the belief that women can 'have it all', which has commonly been described as a myth.

In the latest installment of unfettered political correctness in the public media services, the popular TV personality Mike Bastcok has reportedly been sacked following complaints regarding recent revelations about his personal life choices. The news that Mr Bastcok has consistently refused to be present in any building in which 'persons not of ultimate brittanic or europe-based cultural origination' may also be present, was initially met with casual indifference by the public. But a prominent and thoroughly keenly orchestrated Internet campaign has caused the television network concerned to buckle under self-righteous, liberal, elitist, and most probably, utterly gay, pressure. What next? You probably won't even be able to skin and eat the children of immigrants soon.

A controversial new practice is to be introduced across the globe, whereby any human being who is unable to create an exact replica of pop-star Madonna's groin using only plasticine, tin foil and sandpaper, is to be put immediately to death. Commenting on the initiative, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the move was "extremely thought-invoking and definitely worthy of deliberation and comment", while linguist and political theorist Noam Chomksy contributed: "I suppose it was only a matter of time, I'll be alright though, I think I know it better than my wife's fucking face".