Domestic Help
Professional individual looking to hire several short people to perform household duties including the following: sneaking up on me in the shower, leaving regular bite marks in my fruit, randomly replacing my possessions with animal excrement and beating me senseless once or twice a week.
Prospective candidates must be educated to degree level, have their own teeth and be in possession of a clean driving licence.

Sticky Objects
We produce a range of objects coated in a sticky substance for your sticking convenience. Got a load of things that are rendered effectively useless due to a lack of stickiness? Just really like sticking things around the place? So stupid you can't see how utterly pointless this product is? Let us fulfil all of your sticking needs at a cost that is nothing if not justifiable.
Discounts for bulk purchases available on enquiry.

You, that's right - YOU
We have the perfect range of products currently in stock for You. That's right, it doesn't even matter what they are, because they're for You. They match your personality, values, appearance and desires perfectly, and they don't even cost much. And even if they did, it would still be the right thing to do. Don't hesitate, buy them all today and give yourself the collection of objects that You truly deserve.

Tired of it all?
Are you tired of striving endlessly only to barely keep your head above water? Sick of life's relentless disappointments? Fed up waiting for things to fall into place the way you've always believed they would? Had enough of working every day just for your money to fall into a bottomless pit of debt? Exhausted beyond your worst expectations?
Me too.

Do YOU have a PASSION for PRODUCT?
- fuck you then

Sauce Available
I have four boxes of tartare sauce sachets I found out the back of my local shopping centre. I'd be happy to share them with anyone who is interested. No smokers.

Comatosy Comfort Tabs
Life getting you down? Forget all about it. Sedate the whole family! Replace those stressful and unpleasant aspects of reality with a dull smog by rendering yourself semi-conscious. Also available in fruity flavours for children who're a bit too lively and generally piss you off by screaming, playing, speaking etc
- shut them the fuck up!

The Little Book of Everything Nice
This little book makes a lovely present for someone you neither know particularly well nor care about, but are obliged for whatever reason to buy a gift for - it's a tiny little book! With chapters on cats, yoga, mothers and suicide, there's a witty little sentence for every occasion! Here's a little taste: "Go and buy a proper fucking book." (Excerpt from pages 1,2,3,5,6,7,10 actually that's all it says but hey - whoever you buy this little piece of shit for will probably never open it anyway!)

Cordless Massager
This new "cordless massager" (nudge, nudge) is the perfect remedy to a hard day at the office/shops… Hey look - it happens to be the shape of a big fat vibrating penis! It's not though; it's a "cordless massager".
*We regret that huge colour pictures of the product may, from time to time, appear on the outer packaging.

Everlasting Life
Unlike religion these immortality pills require neither attendance to regular ritualistic events nor a functioning conscience / thoughts of morality etc - just take one a day and you're on your way to a never-ending god-dam life mother-fucker!
*Offer only available to those having no conception of the law.

Marmalade!!!
Please buy some marmalade. The jar has a small print of an original watercolour painted by an old lady on it.

Galaxy Pencil
This revolutionary pencil, used by NASA, writes on all kinds of writing paper; its only requirement is that you sharpen it once a while when the lead becomes blunt. It also writes perfectly when hanging upside-down from a climbing frame with a set square up your arse, when rollerblading on the surface of certain planets, and when crouching naked inside an erupting volcano.

Handigrab Snatchwand
A stick with a magnet stuck on the end of it.

GIRLS - Fool others into thinking you're actually quite cool!
With Change-Me Body Lotion you'll be fighting them off; the secret ingredient in Change-Me includes a powerful herbal formula designed to create, in extremely stupid and/or gullible/imaginary people, the impression that a celebrity is indeed in their midst. They'll never know, and you might even attract the lustful attention of desperate or drunk men!!

Linx
Speak to and arrange to meet other sad and desperate sods. You could maybe even get married and spend the rest of your lives together trying not to wonder if you couldn't have done better!