April 2011

MUSIC

Fields of Clouds is the debut album from Penny Pigtails, the skeletal, floral dress wearing, 19 year old UK songstress currently winning over the music press with her astonishing ability to conjure up worlds of fragile beauty, lollipops and unicorns. The CD sleeve comes with a printed copy of the lyrics for every song, in this case a necessity rather than a bonus, since this delightful young lady has a voice so high and frail no human can hear it. Downloads of the album include voucher code for three online purchases of flower fairy bubble bath.

"Joe Strummer lives! This album is so great I shat myself the first seven times I heard it."  NME
"How I coped with life before Penny Pigtails is a total fucking mystery to me."  Flavor Flav

October 2010

WOMEN

This unique event will comprise several thoroughly excellent female specimens involved in a highly structured, informalised conversational exchange. Hear these women recount the three typically female experiences of rape, menstruation and shoe shopping while an orchestra delivers an unmistakably compassionate rendering of the soundtrack to When Harry Met Sally. The performance will be followed by a Query and Resolution session in which audience members will be able to put forward statements of either interrogative or complimentary style and receive a response that is entirely constructive.

"Femversation is nothing if not evenhanded."  Nick Griffin
"Too much collaboration, not enough perspiration, but other than that passably gratifying."  Rod Stewart

Femversation will occur at artbitrarily selected taxi ranks across the UK during the months of January, March and August 2011 since these months traditionally record the greatest incidence of sexually irrelevant remarks made against red-headed women.

August 2010

MUSIC

Pieces of Carnations latest album Mind the Slap scales new heights in the picturesquery stakes. Large colloquial horns combine with strings that could make Dr Filegad himself buckle under the pressure, with sometimes liberally philanthropic results. This must be what rainbow drops sound like.

Pieces of Carnations are currently offering free individual concerts for anyone who has been afflicted with eczema through clothes washing detergents or medication.

May 2010

DRAMA

The latest installment in Ruth Tumshee's Flexible Hairpiece series is bound to leave audiences rolling in the aisles. That's right, the show starts with the sudden release of a toxic gas that has so far induced debilitating fits in 95% of the people in attendance. The lucky few left not paralysed are treated to a non-stop roller-coaster ride of fun, laughter and a vague sense of creeping disaffection as the play's central character, Sack, endeavours to conjure up a convincing portrait of life as a freelance abattoir investigator in the 21st century. Inspired by the works of Sophocles.

"A little too insistent for my tastes."  Idi Amin

As The Butterflies Melt is being administered at the Durex Civic Auditorium and Storage Space Facility in Buxton until five minutes ago.

October 2009

DRAMA

Sausage rolls don't get anything like the press they deserve these days. That's what Lasie Dirktale will have you believe. Over a period of 2.67 hours she manages to systematically dismantle the already failing genre of kitchen towel drama in this appallingly misconfounded piece of theatre. It's almost worth it for the cufflinks, but don't even talk to me about the fucking eyeliner tags.

"At least we didn't have to eat that."  PaperTrial Hypothetical Magazine
"Oh well, I suppose we asked for it really."  Scientology Tribune

Which Way Up Is It Supposed To Go Then? is playing at Uncle Dick's Fishtank Packaging Plant in Norfolk until it collapses due to delapidation and/ or arson.

05 Feb 2009

The braindeadair review team recommends for this week:

DRAMA

James is the estate agent who can't get enough of his neighbour's spaniel. Heather is the woman who loves him (James, not the spaniel). Join them on their quest for never-ending life as they try to find the car keys. Frustration, betrayal and dick jokes aplenty from the most talked about writer in his local area, wherever that is.

"Beautiful, thought-provoking, very very comfy seats."   The Guardian
"I thought that was a woman but my wife said it wasn't."   Peoples Friend

I Don't Recall Giving You Express Permission To Ram Cold Meat Down My Mother's Throat is at Spinach Empire, Nottingham, until the end of time.

Originally a note scribbled on the back of a cereal packet, this tragi-tragedy is deliciously tedious, as you might expect from the team who brought you 'It Wasn't So Much A Party As A Staff Meeting If Truth Be Told'.  Watery humour is combined with predictably boring observations about life, love and polyester, with devastating results for the optimistic.  For introverts only.

"Remarkably pink, packed full of joy and naked pig flesh."    Egyptian Evening Herald
"A must-see for the synthetic resin lover."  Man Wearing Computer Software For A Hat

Chafing Knees Productions perform at the Salty Crisps Theatre, Swindon, until they find another company who are crap enough to want to appear there.

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COMEDY

Master of plagiarised American stand-up and favourite on the Antarctic circuit, Sticky Marshall is fast becoming one of the best-known names in the phonebook.  His highly unoriginal approach and big shiny hat have earned him numerous spots on local radio (mostly on competitions / phone-ins), with an impressive list of credits and swimming badges to his name.  Recently nominated for the Hovis Wholemeal Friendly Comedian of the Week Award, Sticky has also been invited to perform at the prestigious birthday party of the relative of a friend he used to work with.

"Manic, exhilarating and one hell of a big fucking hat."  Sunday Times
"Ha."  Member Of The Audience

Sticky Marshall will be touring his one-man show around the Hebridean Area from November - catch him at a community hall near you (if you live in the Hebrides which admittedly is extremely bloody unlikely).

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MUSIC

At first, Stupid Weather might look a bit like an unconvincing Candy Boys tribute act with ill-fitting shoes on their hands, but you'd be wrong to dismiss them without first casting a naively hostile glance in their general direction.  The show starts with a Quincy-esque autopsy performed by the band on one lucky audience member plucked at random from the stalls (those are the cheap seats); this is inevitably followed by a fairly contrived dance routine in which the lead singer Lameboy pisses himself before inviting a celebrity mystery-guest to wring out his trousers into a pint glass.  The triumph lies in the haircuts.

"The best band since Richard last fucked Judy with the lights on."  Catholic Observer
"They just make it all worthwhile."  Budda

Stupid Weather are currently touring with Flat Shoe, tickets are available from all suitably aggressive outlets.

More of the same pseudo-brakeball chance-beat grooves from Dutch timelords Humanity.  Nothing new here; swords, pop-socks and a healthy portion of subjective ease.

"No-one does slo-slap like Humanity."  Auto Trader
"Just lovely."  Cosmopolitan

Humanity are currently performing a series of gigs that people cool enough to attend will already know about.

'Cheeseboard', the latest offering from Leicester based culinary folk-punk duo Toast, is anything but fermented curd on a plank of wood.  The pair fuse traditional celtic sounds and a not-insignificant amount of high-pitched screaming, with tips relating to the preparation of restaurant standard cuisine.

"I fucking love it man."  Glasgow Herald
"The mushroom wine was disappointing and the choice of port objectionable to say the least."  NME

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TV

In this week's edition of the teen docu-soap, Jody is concerned that Mark doesn't appreciate the beauty of her new knees. 

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RADIO

Radio 4's hard-hitting drama serial returns. Teenagers Toby and Ben devour a neighbour's toddler during the particularly bad comedown after a night of no-holds-barred solvent-based kicks.