Microsoft are reportedly in talks with leading web publishers over a deal to embed code into several major sites, that will prevent their contents from being viewed, if the visitor is not using Internet Explorer on a Windows PC, wearing an I 'heart' Microsoft t-shirt and enthusiastically licking a photograph of Bill Gates throughout. The move has been described variously as 'uproariously inspired', 'almost certainly interesting' and 'fucking mad crazy shit' by a selection of anonymous bespectacled commentators at the bus stop.

Controversial legislation is being discussed, through which anyone who publishes a sentence online, containing a higher ratio of consonant to vowel than 5:2, will be banned from the Internet forever. The move is intended to curb the rising incidence of electrocution that occurs when really stupid people read aloud from their favourite blogs, spraying spittle and drool across the computer screen. Legislators are expected to urge the police to put pressure on ISPs to enforce the new ruling should it be made law. It is not yet clear whether punctuation or emoticons will be affected, nor indeed has a reasonable case been made as to why we shouldn't just let these idiots die.

Tipped to kick-start a revolution in Resolved Diametric Tolerance Effect thought, Champ Rimram's FoxTrap Nipple Grinder Protocol is due out later this week. With any luck it won't be accompanied by the Pickle 6 Stapling woes that famously plagued Pot Plant II, or at least not without a giant set of pliers to hand...

Electrical Rights Groups are stepping up the campaign to free the millions of bytes trapped and/ or destroyed every year through poor and inefficient design. Increased pressure is being put on technology companies to appoint Bit Representatives who would give these tiny chunks of memory a voice for the first time. Protesters, who've dubbed the current situation Data Genocide, welcomed upcoming EU regulation which is expected to make the appointments a legal obligation.

The newest iPhone makes you taller! According to fan forums that is. Rumour has it that repeated use of the device also improves your IQ, increases sexual potency and makes your hair extremely lustrous, as well as virtually guaranteeing immortality of course. However, several unfortunate side effects have also been reported, including dribbling from the mouth and nose, urinating freely and, most commonly, behaving like an absolute fucking arse.

German technology firm Battlecosm Systems® are attempting to patent a series of keystrokes used within their online role-playing game Faerie or Foul. The sequence:
    'CTRL+K+|+$+3 > ALT+G+[]'
is frequently used as a shortcut to dismember an opponent within the game, which is one of the biggest MMORPGs currently in operation. The move has been described variously as 'inspired', 'disgusting' and 'unbelievably discomfiting' by my next-door neighbours.

New Linux distro issues an electric shock whenever the user thinks about Microsoft.
The controversial move was initiated by Flin Stympyl of RealGnixxx9 who was recently quoted as saying "I've just about had it with these fucking idiots who can't tell the difference between stovEbus memory and hardJuice retention - CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE THAT?" to his gran after high-tea. Good luck with that then...

This week's edition of LimedX Magazine comes with a free portrait disorganiser, it also features a rare interview with Waiy Tiresum, inventor of the bobble-goggled toe-sock, which was given some much needed publicity last month when Tie McBanjon mentioned it in passing during a vococast on gg^&kebab))ix2.com - just don't mention the Cycledrive Ttopeware incident, he still has the bathing scars...

Scientists have discovered an 'evil' gene in the common fruit fly. Specimens inheriting the recessive chromosome were found to be significantly filthier, nastier and just generally more unpleasant to be around, in some cases exhibiting impressively bastard-like obnoxiousness. Ethical groups have expressed concern that use of the development within the field of human genetic research may encourage the desire for 'designer babies', which it is feared may result in a super-race of beautiful, talented and fragrant children with neon skin and whose defecation would most likely take the form of a pink cellophane-coated caramel-scented pellet.

Developers at this month's Patsch fair were treated to a sneak preview of the Banana Sandwich Inc Tabularmous Suite, 'the software that takes the agony out of bi-factual incendiary algorithmic composition'. The much anticipated release will finally see the last of TackyType, and hopefully put to bed those rumours of a Pam Pam XI reunion...